"Okay, let's just get a divorce."
Those words finally came from your lips, lips that had been silent for so long. Three months you'd remained silent. Three months I'd compromised, battling the constant gnawing in my heart and mind.
I kept questioning myself, blaming myself for your silence. Perhaps my jealousy, perhaps my words, or perhaps my illness had annoyed you, causing you to withdraw and cruelly leave me alone.
Three months ago, the problem arose. Maybe it was trivial to you, but for some reason it was significant to me.
My feelings overwhelmed my logic. My mind tried to ignore the scenarios playing in my head, but my heart wouldn't listen, churning relentlessly, forcing me to confront you. My suspicions arose when a smile bloomed on your face as I tried to wake you that morning.
You never liked being disturbed while sleeping. You didn't like it when I asked you to rub minyak kayu putih on my body. I knew your habits and tried to accept them, because I just wanted to preserve what we had. But that day, you were different.
A smile spread across your face when I tried to wake you. You didn't mind rubbing minyak kayu putih on me, but for some reason I wasn't happy. A sudden tightness filled my heart.
"Wouldn't the woman in the room be angry if I rubbed oil on your body?" you mumbled, half-asleep.
"Who?" I asked, confused.
"That woman?" you said, pointing towards our bedroom.
We used to be so romantic. Hugging each other tightly until we fell asleep. You would gently kiss my eyelids and forehead, promising not to let sadness touch me. You let me be affectionate amidst your busy schedule. Until slowly, everything changed.
You spent more time without me. You preferred to let me sleep alone. You made various excuses to sleep in the living room. You preferred to spend time with your friends. Basically, everything was without me.
Yes. I was sad, I was disappointed. But I swallowed those feelings. Again, I tried to rationalize your behavior. Could it be because my body isn't as slender as before? Could it be because my face is now wrinkled? Or could it be that you were disgusted with me?
I fell silent when you asked that question. It felt like my brain stopped working, freezing me. I realized what you meant. The breath in my throat seemed to be cut off. I realized you thought I was another woman.
You didn't realize that the woman before you was me, your wife. Then who am I in your eyes? Who is the woman who makes you smile when you wake up? Who is that woman?
Truly, I wanted to forget that morning. I tried to let it go. But my memory kept bringing back your unusual behavior lately.
You, who were no longer warm, suddenly kissed me tenderly in your sleep. I was confused, but happy, as if everything was colorful again. But that happiness now only adds to the tightness in my chest. Could it have been that it wasn't me in your sight? Could it have been that woman you imagined?
Yes. My feelings and questions overwhelmed my logic. That night, I poured everything out. All the memories, wounds, and buried trauma seemed to race to escape through every word.
I hoped for an answer from you. I knew hope only deepens the wounds. I just wanted my logic to convince my heart that it was wrong. But you chose silence and looked at me with a hateful gaze, crushing my hopes.
That look confirmed my suspicions. All this time, my mind foolishly closed my eyes and ears, trying to ignore the signs and hoping everything was alright.
You chose silence as your answer. That night, I was destroyed. My grip was lost. And you withdrew, moving further away. I lost my way.
Three months have passed. Three months I cried, begged, and repeatedly shattered my ego. For the sake of the marriage we built.
Ten years is not a short time. In one night, you forgot everything we went through and destroyed our relationship. Leaving me alone, adrift in the ocean, clutching tightly to the fragments. While you've already swum to shore.
By God, I still tried to hold on, clutching at my wounds and hopes. I searched everywhere for justification and strength to endure. Deceiving myself with my efforts.
You remained indifferent and silent. You even chose to escape, leaving me in uncertainty. Until finally, your silence broke. Crushing me again. Today.
"Can't we hold on a little longer?
I still clung to hope. Even though I know I'm probably worthless in your eyes. Even though I had to tear down my ego again. Even though I had to ignore all my wounds. Hoping we could rebuild everything. But again, you chose silence.
My tears no longer flowed. My heart felt numb. I give up.
I stop fighting a losing battle. I release the ropes that kept hurting me. I will no longer hold you captive in the name of love. I even stopped mentioning your name in my prayers.
"Okay. Let's just get a divorce."
-uwiepuspita-
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