Love,
Today, I made a fruit shake for lunch, but I drank it at noon. I also cooked noodles for dinner. I didn’t eat breakfast.
I woke up in bad condition. Last night, I couldn’t sleep. My mind was so busy, and my heart felt uneasy.
Suddenly today, I thought about loneliness—how I always end up being alone. When I was a kid, my parents were so busy working that I stayed at home alone. I had to be independent from a young age. I went to school and came home alone. There was a time I took my school report alone and registered for school by myself.
When I was at university, I had to live far away from home, alone in another city. I found friends at my dorm and thought maybe I could get close to them. But I realized that my presence annoyed them, so I stopped approaching them.
When I was married, I felt alone too because he was so busy with himself and his friends. I thought my existence annoyed him as well.
Now, after the divorce and resignation, I am literally alone by myself. Suddenly, I feel bad and pity myself. And again, thoughts of dying surface. I know it’s easy to die, but I have come this far—alive for 34 years with all the difficulties I’ve faced. I can stay much longer, right? I don’t think God would make me feel desperate all the time until I die, right?
I tried so hard not to take my medicine, but I gave up. My brain wouldn’t stop thinking, so I took it to calm my mind.
Actually, maybe you remember this low state started yesterday after I had a phone call with my friend. But I don’t blame her. There was nothing strange about the conversation.
Maybe it’s just because the call was unplanned, and I couldn’t follow my activity plans. Or I don’t know—it just messed me up. Haha. Many things happened in my complicated mind.
After taking my medicine and sleeping, I felt better. I slept around 5 hours, I think, and my mind was a little calmer.
That’s all for today. See you again tomorrow if there is one.
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