Why Do Perpetrators See Themselves as the Victim? The Psychology Behind Victim Mentality

 

 

A husband spends years abusing drugs, gambling, refusing to work, and placing most of the family's financial responsibilities on his wife. After enduring it for so long, the wife—who has worked tirelessly, taken care of the household, and fought to keep the marriage together—finally gives up. She asks for a divorce.

Logically, most people would think the reason for the divorce is obvious. Most would understand the wife's decision. Yet interestingly, it is not uncommon for the husband to see himself as the victim instead.

He labels his wife as disloyal, impatient, unwilling to sacrifice, and unsupportive during difficult times. Sometimes, he even feels betrayed because she left him when he was at the lowest point in his life. To outsiders, this kind of reaction may seem irrational.

However, from a psychological perspective, this phenomenon is actually quite fascinating to understand.

Why Is It So Hard to Admit Our Own Mistakes?

One of the most basic human needs is maintaining a positive self-image.

Most people want to believe that they are good, responsible, worthy of love, and deserving of respect. The problem arises when reality clashes with that self-image. Imagine having to admit that you are the reason your family fell apart. That kind of admission is incredibly painful. As a result, the brain often looks for another explanation that feels more comfortable.

Instead of saying:

"I lost my family because of my own decisions."

It feels much easier to think:

"I lost my family because my wife wasn't loyal enough."

In psychology, this mechanism is known as self-serving bias, the tendency to interpret events in ways that protect our self-esteem. When things go well, we credit ourselves. When things go wrong, we are more likely to blame factors outside ourselves.

There is another reason why some people are more comfortable seeing themselves as victims. Being the victim often feels easier than being the cause of the problem.

If I'm the victim, I don't have to face overwhelming guilt.

If I'm the victim, I don't have to change.

If I'm the victim, then someone else should be the one apologizing.

This is why some people continue holding onto the narrative that they have been wronged, even when the evidence clearly shows they played a significant role in the situation. It is not always because they are lying. Sometimes, they genuinely believe the story they have created for themselves.

The Role of Overprotective Families

Another factor that often goes unnoticed is the influence of family.

Many people grow up in environments where they are always defended, even when they are clearly at fault. There is often an unspoken belief that my child is the best and can do no wrong. Whenever conflict happens, the blame is placed on external factors instead of the child's own behavior.

When they get into a fight, someone else is blamed.

When they fail, circumstances are blamed.

When they hurt someone, there is always an excuse to justify it.

Over time, a simple way of thinking begins to develop:

"Whatever happens, I'm not the problem."

This mindset may feel comforting during childhood. However, when carried into adulthood, the consequences can be significant. It becomes difficult to accept criticism, admit mistakes, reflect on oneself, and most importantly, learn from the consequences of one's own actions. After all, every problem always has a scapegoat ready to take the blame.

Why Is the Partner Often the Target?

Just like someone who constantly blames circumstances, when a marriage falls apart, the person closest to them often becomes the easiest target. As a result, all kinds of accusations are directed at their partner.

This often ignores how long the partner stayed, how many chances they gave, and how many sacrifices they made. It is as if none of those things matter once the partner decides to give up and walk away from a dark chapter of their life. Sometimes, someone believes they were abandoned too soon, when in reality, their partner stayed far longer than most people ever would have.

Is This What We Call Victim Mentality?

Not everyone who feels hurt has a victim mentality. The term victim mentality is often used carelessly. Someone can genuinely be a victim in certain situations. The problem arises when this pattern appears repeatedly across different areas of life.

Every failure is blamed on external causes.
Every conflict is always someone else's fault.
Every consequence is viewed as an injustice.

There is no room to ask:

"What was my role in this situation?"

When the ability to reflect on oneself disappears, personal growth becomes difficult. Change can only begin when we acknowledge that at least part of the problem may come from ourselves.

In the end, the phenomenon of someone who has hurt their partner for years yet still sees themselves as the victim is not uncommon. Psychology shows that people have many ways of protecting their self-esteem from shame, guilt, and regret.

Sometimes, it appears as justification.
Sometimes, it appears as blaming other people.
Sometimes, it appears as the belief that they are the one who has suffered the most.

Ironically, the more strongly someone clings to the belief that everyone else is at fault, the harder it becomes for them to recognize the parts of themselves that need to change. And perhaps that is the greatest tragedy of victim mentality. It is not that someone feels hurt, but that this belief prevents them from learning from the wounds they created themselves.

(Uwie Puspita)

 
Has been published on Kompasiana