When Wrongdoing Becomes Something to Brag About: Dating Apps and the Loss of Shame

 

Photos and physical appearance are often the first doorway through which we form an impression of someone.

On dating apps, many people unconsciously make initial judgments based on what they see. Some present themselves with a bad boy image, some look simple and down-to-earth, while others give off an impression of being calm, polite, or even religious.

Of course, first impressions aren't always accurate. But as human beings, our brains naturally tend to form expectations based on limited information.

Once, a conversation on a dating app offered a rather interesting lesson.

The man appeared to be a calm person. He dressed simply, and his face gave the impression of someone polite and well-mannered. Nothing seemed suspicious.

Yet just a few minutes into the conversation, the direction changed.

Without any hesitation, he began telling me about having a one-night stand with another man's wife.

What was surprising wasn't simply the content of his story.

It was the way he told it.

There was no sense of regret. No apparent guilt. Instead, he talked about the experience casually, sometimes even sounding as though he was proud of it.

He also offered various explanations for why it had happened, as if the circumstances themselves were enough to justify what he had done.

The conversation ended there.

But one question stayed with me:

Since when did wrongdoing become something so easy to tell a person you've only just met?

This kind of behavior doesn't seem particularly rare anymore.

Some people proudly admit to having multiple sexual partners. Some describe cheating as an exciting experience worth telling others about. Others talk about drinking, drug use, deceiving their partners, or other dishonest behavior as casually as if they were describing personal achievements.

This doesn't mean that everyone who has made a mistake is a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes.

What is troubling is when a mistake is no longer seen as something worth regretting. Instead, it becomes a story shared casually, or even part of an identity that someone takes pride in.

In social psychology, there is a concept called moral disengagement, introduced by Albert Bandura. It describes how people can reduce their sense of guilt about their actions through various forms of justification. A wrongdoing may be blamed on circumstances, presented as necessary for a particular reason, or considered acceptable simply because many other people do the same thing.

When these justifications are repeated again and again, guilt can gradually weaken.

There is also the phenomenon of normalization, in which behavior that was once considered inappropriate gradually comes to be perceived as ordinary because people encounter or discuss it so frequently.

Something that initially shocks us can slowly lose its power to shock.

Not because the behavior itself has changed, but because we have become accustomed to seeing it.

Social media and the internet have accelerated this process. The digital world allows people to share personal stories with strangers without facing the same social consequences they might experience when talking to family members, neighbors, or coworkers.

Anonymity can create a sense of safety. Distance can make people more willing to reveal things they might never tell anyone in real life.

And this raises another question.

Is Eastern culture gradually disappearing?

Perhaps the answer isn't as simple as yes or no.

Culture is always changing. The way people dress changes. The way they communicate changes. Even the way people find romantic partners has changed.

But there are values that should remain, including a sense of shame when we do something wrong.

Shame is often viewed as something negative. Yet in healthy amounts, shame can be one of the mechanisms that helps people regulate their behavior. It reminds us that not everything is worth doing, and not everything is worth being proud of.

Without a sense of shame, the boundary between right and wrong can gradually become blurred.

Ultimately, perhaps the issue isn't simply about Eastern culture versus Western culture. Nor is it about whether someone is conservative or liberal.

It is about how we view wrongdoing.

Because a healthy society isn't one in which nobody ever sins or makes mistakes. It is one that can still acknowledge that wrongdoing is wrong, mistakes are mistakes, and not every experience deserves to be shared with pride.

Because when our sense of shame slowly disappears, it isn't only the way we speak that changes.

Perhaps what changes along with it is the way our hearts perceive wrongdoing itself.

— Uwie Puspita